I don't write often anymore. For someone who has never been short of words, it's an odd feeling to no longer know what to say. At times, I feel like there are no words. Just emptiness. Blankness. Then there are other days when I'm overflowing with thoughts running rampant through my head that I wouldn't even know where to begin.
And because I'm not sure what direction I want to take with this blog, I've refrained from writing about the random thoughts. The sadness. The anger. The disbelief. Plus, I'm not sure who would want to hear it. But in the same breath, I worry that if I just write about what the big girls are doing, people will think that I've moved on. That it no longer hurts. The truth is, I'm overwhelmed with pain and sadness for my sweet little girl. Which is why it makes it so hard to write.
Yes, the girls do funny things. They reach new milestones. They amaze me with everything they know. I want to write about it. But the words just won't come. By the time the girls go to bed (which is when I do most of my writing), my thoughts are consumed with Elli.
So I apologize. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with this blog. I've toyed with the idea of just hanging it up. But I want the girls' lives to be documented. I read back to what I wrote just last year and it's amazing everything I've forgotten. But I really do need to decide...if I keep it going, will it be dedicated to the girls? Will it be a place to write about my grief? Will it be a place to share more stories about Elli and the wonderful, beautiful 9 months and 13 days we had with her? Will it or should it be all of the above? Who knows. I surely don't.
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4 comments:
I don't know you personally, but my heart just absolutely aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Know that if you choose to write, people will gladly read.
Jess,
I honestly hope you read these comments, because I really think you need to know what a great person you are. Of course we've never met, but sometimes you just get the feelings about people.
Your girls are beautiful, your family is beautiful.
I think what you should do is keep this blog, and also start another one just to vent. Or even just type up word documents ¬ post them. Whatever will help you release your grief. I don't think you need think about what the blog SHOULD be about, blogs are like diaries of our lives that do not need complete and strict topics. This is about your life with twins plus one! Yes, Elli is still and will forever be there. This is what your blog is about, so you have no reason to change it now. I know for a fact that everyone who follows you doesn't want you to stop, and you know that your girls will get a kick out of reading this some day. So in the end, you could stop writing if you felt that it's best, you can start a venting blog, but you can also just type it all here. I don't see why not; Elli is a huge part of your life and family and always will be... don't be afraid to talk about her and how you feel. That's just as important. ♥
I agree with Cee. Some of us read your blog because we have a need to relate to someone. Someone who knows what it is like to be a mom, a wife and even someone who has experienced the loss of a child. Elli will never be forgotten by you, your family, your friends, or any of use who only know you through reading this blog. If writing about your happiness, your pain, your loneliness, or even just your random thoughts gets you through the day... then continue doing it.. not for us, but for yourself. You started this blog because you had something to say. We are all listening and are here to support you and to continue listening to the life that you have made for your beautiful family.
Dear Jess --
You listed several possibilities for your present and future blogging focus. If I get to 'vote' my vote is for "all of the above" (so to speak) because I appreciate getting to read about all that you are experiencing in your life. So I hope that both joy and grief (and lots in between!) will continue to appear in the writing that you share with us here.
Blessings to all five in your very special family.
-- Dot Shields
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