Flashback

So I had a flashback last night to my days on bedrest. The show Wipeout is back on ABC and I caught the last 15 minutes or so of the season premiere. The reason I had a flashback was because my mom forbade me from watching the show during my bedrest. Nate and I were watching it one night, and I laughed sooooo hard. I could barely catch my breath, I was crying, etc. My mom was here to witness it, and from that day forward, it was on my list of forbidden shows.

Which brings me to just how difficult bedrest is. I've had several people over the months since the girls have been born say to me "well bedrest can't be that difficult...I mean, I would love to lay around and do nothing for a while."

And yes, I agree. Laying around doing nothing sounds rather delightful at times! But nothing could ever replicate the incredible fear and debilitating anxiety of being solely responsible for the health of my babies. The first few weeks, I was petrified to even move. Thankfully, that subsided a little bit. But I was still very scared to get up to go to the bathroom...the one and only reason I had to leave the couch. I was afraid. Afraid of gravity. Afraid of my body failing my babies.

There is absolutely no way to express how incredibly difficult bedrest was for that very reason. To know that I was responsible for protecting my babies...no one else. What if I roll over on the couch too many times? What if I'm up to go to the bathroom too often? WHAT IF I LAUGH TOO HARD? Which is exactly why my mother said I was no longer allowed to watch Wipeout.

So yeah, bedrest sounds a bit fun if you can watch the TV shows you want to watch and move around as often as you want to "get comfortable" (I often laid in one spot for HOURS out of fear of setting off more contractions). Bedrest sounds fun if you don't have a constant guilt hanging over your head that if your babies were to be born too soon it's ALL YOUR FAULT. If you don't have the guilt that if your babies face lifelong disabilities due to a premature birth it's all because your body failed. I know it sounds dramatic, but I was put on bedrest when both babies were still under 2 pounds each.

Nothing can duplicate the feelings I experienced while on bedrest. Simply putting yourself on your couch for 67 days just isn't the same.